Sorry, I had a lot of things to think about and to sort out within myself. I'm still not completely okay but I have a much better grasp on things now then I did my last post - a lot of unanswered questions which has eased my mind,
I had a wonderful christmas, spending Christmas day with my best friend, and then boxing day was spent with family.
I'm not in the most creative mood so I won't write for long, but just wanted to say I am still here, and that I don't plan on ditching this just yet.
I'm currently throwing out a lot of old clothes, making space for the upcoming year ahead. This feels good and is helping me clear my head.
Hopefully I'll have more to talk about soon.
I hope you all had amazing christmas' too!
Monday, 29 December 2014
Monday, 15 December 2014
The worst feeling in the world
I don't know why I started a blog again honestly.
I need to get this off of my chest.
I'm not the most stable of people, and right now I am struggling. I don't feel like myself. I feel disgusting. I feel vile.
I feel like I'm losing myself.
I'm writing a million things, and then hitting the backspace over and over again.
Who am I? I don't feel like I know the answer right now.
Forward ten steps, back thirteen.
I need to get this off of my chest.
I'm not the most stable of people, and right now I am struggling. I don't feel like myself. I feel disgusting. I feel vile.
I feel like I'm losing myself.
I'm writing a million things, and then hitting the backspace over and over again.
Who am I? I don't feel like I know the answer right now.
Forward ten steps, back thirteen.
Sunday, 14 December 2014
50 Facts About Me
Okay, so I'm really sorry I am fully aware of the fact that I just posted but I got inspired by reading someone elses 50 Facts about me (http://convoygloss.blogspot.co.uk/2014/12/50-facts-about-me.html if you want to have a read at what got me bombarding you guys with posts tonight) but here are mine;
1) I have two tattoo's
2) I am a Nanny for my work, and I love it! I actually became self employed at 19!
3) I am the youngest sibling by 10 years
4) I love tortoises and I really want one!
5) I binge watch tv on Netflix (currently on Breaking Bad)
6) I'm an incredibly loud person - I will out shout, laugh, talk, "sing", speak, anyone. You do it? I'll do it louder!
7) I drink a lot. Not even alcoholic, but I'll easily drink 3litres of water a day.
8) I have my tongue pierced, and my nose. (I actually nearly gave my mum a heart attack as I got it all done within the space of 2 weeks, and she had no idea about any of it bless her she hates it all)
9) I only wear odd socks.
10) I have been dying my hair and plucking my eyebrows since I was 8
11) If I ever see the clock on 11:11 I make a wish
12) BANKSY is my favourite artist
13) 13 is my lucky and favourite number
14) I have a Ford C Max TDCI and I LOVE it!
15) I can get aggressive when it comes to protecting those I love
16) I push a lot of people away
17) I am a Disney addict
18) I am obsessed with Peter Pan (hence the name of my blog!)
19) I am overall a happy person
20) My nieces means the world to me.
21) I love Pandora bracelets
22) My thumbs look like toes
23) I can do the mexican wave with my tongue
24) I lost my virginity in Amsterdam hahaha
25) I used to play hockey, and hope to start again as I really miss it.
26) I've lost a lot of friends this year, and have taken it surprisingly well.
27) I've only just started to open up to my family this year, not intentionally I just found it hard to be an emotionally open and approachable person when it came to them.
28) I love my dog to bits
29) I enjoy smoking, but I am not addicted its only because I enjoy it. I'll sometimes go more than a week without one without noticing.
30) My legs and eyes are my favourite part of me
31) I am not religious in the slightest way, but for some reason really like Jesus things haha
32) I'll talk to anyone
33) I laugh at least 6+ times a day (bent over, crying with laughter kind)
34) I have only ever been in love once - and got my heart broken this year.
35) I tend to have more singular friends then big groups
36) My sister is one of my best friends
37) I have been a bridesmaid twice
38) I'm unhappy with my weight
39) I am often quite unintentionally offensive when it meant was meant to be a compliment
40) I'm not girly in the slightest
41) My favourite colours are blue and green
42) Most of my clothes are black
43) I'm 5'5
44) I actually really enjoy making lists
45) I enjoy having sunbeds
46) I listen to all types of music
47) My taste-buds change a lot
48) I hate the sound of people scraping their plates at dinner makes me feel sick
49) I would rather be in a pub or bar instead of a club
50) I love wearing boots
So there you go, a little insight of me. If anyone else does these, do let me know and I'll read and comment away :) Thats enough posts for one Sunday!
1) I have two tattoo's
2) I am a Nanny for my work, and I love it! I actually became self employed at 19!
3) I am the youngest sibling by 10 years
4) I love tortoises and I really want one!
5) I binge watch tv on Netflix (currently on Breaking Bad)
6) I'm an incredibly loud person - I will out shout, laugh, talk, "sing", speak, anyone. You do it? I'll do it louder!
7) I drink a lot. Not even alcoholic, but I'll easily drink 3litres of water a day.
8) I have my tongue pierced, and my nose. (I actually nearly gave my mum a heart attack as I got it all done within the space of 2 weeks, and she had no idea about any of it bless her she hates it all)
9) I only wear odd socks.
10) I have been dying my hair and plucking my eyebrows since I was 8
11) If I ever see the clock on 11:11 I make a wish
12) BANKSY is my favourite artist
13) 13 is my lucky and favourite number
14) I have a Ford C Max TDCI and I LOVE it!
15) I can get aggressive when it comes to protecting those I love
16) I push a lot of people away
17) I am a Disney addict
18) I am obsessed with Peter Pan (hence the name of my blog!)
19) I am overall a happy person
20) My nieces means the world to me.
21) I love Pandora bracelets
22) My thumbs look like toes
23) I can do the mexican wave with my tongue
24) I lost my virginity in Amsterdam hahaha
25) I used to play hockey, and hope to start again as I really miss it.
26) I've lost a lot of friends this year, and have taken it surprisingly well.
27) I've only just started to open up to my family this year, not intentionally I just found it hard to be an emotionally open and approachable person when it came to them.
28) I love my dog to bits
29) I enjoy smoking, but I am not addicted its only because I enjoy it. I'll sometimes go more than a week without one without noticing.
30) My legs and eyes are my favourite part of me
31) I am not religious in the slightest way, but for some reason really like Jesus things haha
32) I'll talk to anyone
33) I laugh at least 6+ times a day (bent over, crying with laughter kind)
34) I have only ever been in love once - and got my heart broken this year.
35) I tend to have more singular friends then big groups
36) My sister is one of my best friends
37) I have been a bridesmaid twice
38) I'm unhappy with my weight
39) I am often quite unintentionally offensive when it meant was meant to be a compliment
40) I'm not girly in the slightest
41) My favourite colours are blue and green
42) Most of my clothes are black
43) I'm 5'5
44) I actually really enjoy making lists
45) I enjoy having sunbeds
46) I listen to all types of music
47) My taste-buds change a lot
48) I hate the sound of people scraping their plates at dinner makes me feel sick
49) I would rather be in a pub or bar instead of a club
50) I love wearing boots
So there you go, a little insight of me. If anyone else does these, do let me know and I'll read and comment away :) Thats enough posts for one Sunday!
Over thinking is both your best friend and worst enemy.
I always blurt out what I am going to say without really thinking about it. Now as you can imagine this has gotten me in a lot of trouble over the years, it also means that I haven't processed the thought, and then blurt out the next 20 reasoning follow ups, until eventually I have confused myself, I can't remember my most poignant opinion and really am just an all round mess.
In some ways its great, for example I will text my best friend and this is how the conversation will go;
Me - what does it mean when this happens?
(before she has had a chance to reply..)
Me - Oh it probably means this, doesn't it.
(still rambling, new text.)
Me - Unless of course this was the circumstance, then in that case this would happen.
(She's trying to reply but I'm not giving her enough time)
Me - Yeah, thats what will happen thanks!
(FINALLY SHE GETS A WORD IN EDGEWAYS)
Her- Yes, lol, you're right.
She has learnt I need to proper ramble, get out all of my options though before she even makes a contribution. So in that sense, over thinking is good because it means I can eventually solve things out on my own, with only confirmation needed.
Until it goes the other way and suddenly you're panicking and its panic on top of panic and by the end of it you're convinced you're the worst person in the entire universe, you took everything a step too far and everyone is out and gunning for you.
(Again, my best friend is right there keeping me rooted to the ground telling me to shut up and calm down and actually giving me a responsible, sensible answer)
I hate being an over thinker, I wish I was laid back enough to once I have made a decision thats that. Decision made, choice over, no second guessing, just accept things for what they are.
I can admit, however, that the only reason why my over thinking is bad at the moment is purely because the decisions and things that require thinking aren't necessarily the good type, but more a case of me being upset (of course its 99% about boys who have upset me one way or another!)
But when my head is clearer, and its a simple thought going through my head, I quite enjoy the pros and cons arguments I have with myself (even when I push it onto my friends its still a one sided conversation until I have finished rambling)
Even this blog is a case of over thinking! Or is it... I mean... it could be...?
In some ways its great, for example I will text my best friend and this is how the conversation will go;
Me - what does it mean when this happens?
(before she has had a chance to reply..)
Me - Oh it probably means this, doesn't it.
(still rambling, new text.)
Me - Unless of course this was the circumstance, then in that case this would happen.
(She's trying to reply but I'm not giving her enough time)
Me - Yeah, thats what will happen thanks!
(FINALLY SHE GETS A WORD IN EDGEWAYS)
Her- Yes, lol, you're right.
She has learnt I need to proper ramble, get out all of my options though before she even makes a contribution. So in that sense, over thinking is good because it means I can eventually solve things out on my own, with only confirmation needed.
Until it goes the other way and suddenly you're panicking and its panic on top of panic and by the end of it you're convinced you're the worst person in the entire universe, you took everything a step too far and everyone is out and gunning for you.
(Again, my best friend is right there keeping me rooted to the ground telling me to shut up and calm down and actually giving me a responsible, sensible answer)
I hate being an over thinker, I wish I was laid back enough to once I have made a decision thats that. Decision made, choice over, no second guessing, just accept things for what they are.
I can admit, however, that the only reason why my over thinking is bad at the moment is purely because the decisions and things that require thinking aren't necessarily the good type, but more a case of me being upset (of course its 99% about boys who have upset me one way or another!)
But when my head is clearer, and its a simple thought going through my head, I quite enjoy the pros and cons arguments I have with myself (even when I push it onto my friends its still a one sided conversation until I have finished rambling)
Even this blog is a case of over thinking! Or is it... I mean... it could be...?
Monday, 8 December 2014
It is the most wonderful time of the year
Christmas season is upon us!
Over the years I have changed between a love and hatred of Christmas - I don't like getting excited for it in November. I didn't really enjoy it during my late teen years, but since working with children and having children surrounding me for the Christmas season, its undeniable that my love for Christmas has soared high again.
I enjoy buying people presents, I enjoy thinking about what they would like, what they want, I don't really like being told what to buy I like to be thoughtful and careful with my presents. This year I really feel like I've done well (and found some cracking deals too without the murderous event which is black Friday eeeeeeek, pushing and shoving my way through crowds is not my idea of fun!)
This year my "christmas day" is on boxing day, still the christmas feast shall be commencing, but family wise, my brother and sisters appearance will be the day after.
Over all I am excited. I can't wait to see my little nieces face when she gets her presents!
My all time favourite night of the year to go out is Christmas eve, everyone just seems to be so happy and everyone is friends with everyone, no hostility, no bad blood, everyone is drunk, happy and wishing eachother merry greetings.
Taxi's are beyond an arse ache though that night lets face it!
Feeling that christmas buzz right now, lets hope it lasts!
Over the years I have changed between a love and hatred of Christmas - I don't like getting excited for it in November. I didn't really enjoy it during my late teen years, but since working with children and having children surrounding me for the Christmas season, its undeniable that my love for Christmas has soared high again.
I enjoy buying people presents, I enjoy thinking about what they would like, what they want, I don't really like being told what to buy I like to be thoughtful and careful with my presents. This year I really feel like I've done well (and found some cracking deals too without the murderous event which is black Friday eeeeeeek, pushing and shoving my way through crowds is not my idea of fun!)
This year my "christmas day" is on boxing day, still the christmas feast shall be commencing, but family wise, my brother and sisters appearance will be the day after.
Over all I am excited. I can't wait to see my little nieces face when she gets her presents!
My all time favourite night of the year to go out is Christmas eve, everyone just seems to be so happy and everyone is friends with everyone, no hostility, no bad blood, everyone is drunk, happy and wishing eachother merry greetings.
Taxi's are beyond an arse ache though that night lets face it!
Feeling that christmas buzz right now, lets hope it lasts!
Sunday, 7 December 2014
Confidence is a complex little bugger.
I am the kind of person who can go into a bar, talk to every single person in there, and dance on the table have the whole world watching and laugh about it. I'm not trying to be "sexy" - if anything literally the opposite.
I'm not slut dropping on peoples laps, I'm making my way through a crowd using the technique of the ever famous "sprinkler" dance move.
Having the ability to laugh at myself, and have others openly laugh at me too, would make some people think I am the most confident person in the world. You couldn't be more wrong.
I am most definitely the kind of person who can not do serious tasks without secretly dying inside. On my sisters wedding day, I was bridesmaid, such an honour, but on the way to the venue I went incredibly quiet (very noticeable for such a loud mouth like me) everyone cautiously asking if I'm okay and what do I do? I cry. Everyone else is having a right giggle in the car, not me oh hell no. I'm having an argument with myself in my head telling myself to man up!
I'm so nervous about having to walk down the aisle in a sensible serious manner, its my sisters big day, no time to fuck about now, absolutely terrified me. Don't get me wrong, I managed it, although my pace was a little faster then the other bridesmaids. Aka I pretty much ran down the aisle. I still did it though, I didn't allow it to cripple me.
I remember having to go up in assembly at school to pick up certificates (always sports related, lets face it I wasn't exactly an angel child) and I would be so nervous I would just mock the seriousness achievement side of the system.
I would wave to my "fans", do a thank you speech, proper strut up to the stage, anything to make people laugh and take away the seriousness of having to walk in a sensible smart manner.
I find myself more vulnerable when being serious.
I also have very very little confidence when it comes to my looks. I don't go around saying "I'm so ugly!!!" because I don't want to fish for compliments (shame on you people who do that, you know who you are.) but also I don't want to point out my flaws?! Why would I want to draw attention to something that you may have skipped until I pointed it out. I learnt that over the years with my nose.
"Eugh, I hate my nose. Its so big and wide,"
"No its not?"
"Oh no, it really is, look see *does a little show and tell of my honker*"
"Oh yeah it is! I never noticed that before!"
So I quickly learnt that openly talking about insecurities - genuine insecurities please people - it tended to make me feel worse as they just kind of... agreed?
So if you honestly felt insecure about something, why point it out? That's why I struggle to believe size 8 girls feels "soooooo fat", or natural blondes "haaaaaate my hair!" purely because real true life insecurities you don't want to make obvious for the rest of the world to see, and agree.
I've kind of gone away from what the title suggests, so I'll bring it back round and leave it nice 'n' blunt for ya; it just baffles me, how the same person can deliberately make an absolute arse of themselves, struggles to be a normal person in an every day situation. Makes no sense does it?
I'm not slut dropping on peoples laps, I'm making my way through a crowd using the technique of the ever famous "sprinkler" dance move.
Having the ability to laugh at myself, and have others openly laugh at me too, would make some people think I am the most confident person in the world. You couldn't be more wrong.
I am most definitely the kind of person who can not do serious tasks without secretly dying inside. On my sisters wedding day, I was bridesmaid, such an honour, but on the way to the venue I went incredibly quiet (very noticeable for such a loud mouth like me) everyone cautiously asking if I'm okay and what do I do? I cry. Everyone else is having a right giggle in the car, not me oh hell no. I'm having an argument with myself in my head telling myself to man up!
I'm so nervous about having to walk down the aisle in a sensible serious manner, its my sisters big day, no time to fuck about now, absolutely terrified me. Don't get me wrong, I managed it, although my pace was a little faster then the other bridesmaids. Aka I pretty much ran down the aisle. I still did it though, I didn't allow it to cripple me.
I remember having to go up in assembly at school to pick up certificates (always sports related, lets face it I wasn't exactly an angel child) and I would be so nervous I would just mock the seriousness achievement side of the system.
I would wave to my "fans", do a thank you speech, proper strut up to the stage, anything to make people laugh and take away the seriousness of having to walk in a sensible smart manner.
I find myself more vulnerable when being serious.
I also have very very little confidence when it comes to my looks. I don't go around saying "I'm so ugly!!!" because I don't want to fish for compliments (shame on you people who do that, you know who you are.) but also I don't want to point out my flaws?! Why would I want to draw attention to something that you may have skipped until I pointed it out. I learnt that over the years with my nose.
"Eugh, I hate my nose. Its so big and wide,"
"No its not?"
"Oh no, it really is, look see *does a little show and tell of my honker*"
"Oh yeah it is! I never noticed that before!"
So I quickly learnt that openly talking about insecurities - genuine insecurities please people - it tended to make me feel worse as they just kind of... agreed?
So if you honestly felt insecure about something, why point it out? That's why I struggle to believe size 8 girls feels "soooooo fat", or natural blondes "haaaaaate my hair!" purely because real true life insecurities you don't want to make obvious for the rest of the world to see, and agree.
I've kind of gone away from what the title suggests, so I'll bring it back round and leave it nice 'n' blunt for ya; it just baffles me, how the same person can deliberately make an absolute arse of themselves, struggles to be a normal person in an every day situation. Makes no sense does it?
Wednesday, 3 December 2014
The beginning
I kind of forgot how intimidating it can be to write a blog, in a weird, unimportant and irrelevant way. To think that really you're pouring your heart out and you're setting yourself up for potential hard face evidence that no one cares enough to read about your life.
Yet here I am, ready to provide for my ever loving audience (anyone, no?)
Anyway, seeing as there is an all about me part elsewhere, I may as well skip the manners and just get straight down to what I do best, ramble.
Today's can be about what I am most definitely avoiding, and that is cleaning my room.
I don't know why my room and car is so disgustingly hideous, I honestly don't. At work, now, considering I work with children I find this is actually pretty incredible, I am so clean. It's a "clean as you go along or you don't play at all" job, and I enjoy doing the washing up, I enjoy cleaning paint brushes, even tidying the toys which the children miss.
But as I look around the pig sty excuse of a room I have, I have a wet towel on the floor from 2 days ago, bottles from so long ago that it is literally a case of who the hell knows, a mixture of dirty and clean clothes, an overflowing bin, about four bags scattered around my room from various uses, four pairs of boots, make up and lipstick everywhere (why oh why did I decide to wipe excess lipstick on that top, thats stained forever, what a waste of my valuable £2.99 top from the flawless Primark!)
Stupidly enough though, I enjoy my friends rooms when its tidy. I like when everything has a place of its own, but when it comes to myself I just can't find myself to care enough to really do anything. Then my Dad comes along, tries to gently push my motivation in the right direction, to which I reply a grunt (what? I'm still young enough to do that - get off my back!) I go upstairs with the intention to do it... and in this case, well I started a blog.
Hey don't judge me too much I did move that pile of Christmas presents from one corner to the other, that's enough for me to deserve a Rocky soundtrack for my ever day life I think.
Anyway. I think you've probably judged me and my disgusting ways enough for one day, I really should go tidy my room.. although those presents really left me pooped, so maybe after a nap...
Yet here I am, ready to provide for my ever loving audience (anyone, no?)
Anyway, seeing as there is an all about me part elsewhere, I may as well skip the manners and just get straight down to what I do best, ramble.
Today's can be about what I am most definitely avoiding, and that is cleaning my room.
I don't know why my room and car is so disgustingly hideous, I honestly don't. At work, now, considering I work with children I find this is actually pretty incredible, I am so clean. It's a "clean as you go along or you don't play at all" job, and I enjoy doing the washing up, I enjoy cleaning paint brushes, even tidying the toys which the children miss.
But as I look around the pig sty excuse of a room I have, I have a wet towel on the floor from 2 days ago, bottles from so long ago that it is literally a case of who the hell knows, a mixture of dirty and clean clothes, an overflowing bin, about four bags scattered around my room from various uses, four pairs of boots, make up and lipstick everywhere (why oh why did I decide to wipe excess lipstick on that top, thats stained forever, what a waste of my valuable £2.99 top from the flawless Primark!)
Stupidly enough though, I enjoy my friends rooms when its tidy. I like when everything has a place of its own, but when it comes to myself I just can't find myself to care enough to really do anything. Then my Dad comes along, tries to gently push my motivation in the right direction, to which I reply a grunt (what? I'm still young enough to do that - get off my back!) I go upstairs with the intention to do it... and in this case, well I started a blog.
Hey don't judge me too much I did move that pile of Christmas presents from one corner to the other, that's enough for me to deserve a Rocky soundtrack for my ever day life I think.
Anyway. I think you've probably judged me and my disgusting ways enough for one day, I really should go tidy my room.. although those presents really left me pooped, so maybe after a nap...
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