I am the kind of person who can go into a bar, talk to every single person in there, and dance on the table have the whole world watching and laugh about it. I'm not trying to be "sexy" - if anything literally the opposite.
I'm not slut dropping on peoples laps, I'm making my way through a crowd using the technique of the ever famous "sprinkler" dance move.
Having the ability to laugh at myself, and have others openly laugh at me too, would make some people think I am the most confident person in the world. You couldn't be more wrong.
I am most definitely the kind of person who can not do serious tasks without secretly dying inside. On my sisters wedding day, I was bridesmaid, such an honour, but on the way to the venue I went incredibly quiet (very noticeable for such a loud mouth like me) everyone cautiously asking if I'm okay and what do I do? I cry. Everyone else is having a right giggle in the car, not me oh hell no. I'm having an argument with myself in my head telling myself to man up!
I'm so nervous about having to walk down the aisle in a sensible serious manner, its my sisters big day, no time to fuck about now, absolutely terrified me. Don't get me wrong, I managed it, although my pace was a little faster then the other bridesmaids. Aka I pretty much ran down the aisle. I still did it though, I didn't allow it to cripple me.
I remember having to go up in assembly at school to pick up certificates (always sports related, lets face it I wasn't exactly an angel child) and I would be so nervous I would just mock the seriousness achievement side of the system.
I would wave to my "fans", do a thank you speech, proper strut up to the stage, anything to make people laugh and take away the seriousness of having to walk in a sensible smart manner.
I find myself more vulnerable when being serious.
I also have very very little confidence when it comes to my looks. I don't go around saying "I'm so ugly!!!" because I don't want to fish for compliments (shame on you people who do that, you know who you are.) but also I don't want to point out my flaws?! Why would I want to draw attention to something that you may have skipped until I pointed it out. I learnt that over the years with my nose.
"Eugh, I hate my nose. Its so big and wide,"
"No its not?"
"Oh no, it really is, look see *does a little show and tell of my honker*"
"Oh yeah it is! I never noticed that before!"
So I quickly learnt that openly talking about insecurities - genuine insecurities please people - it tended to make me feel worse as they just kind of... agreed?
So if you honestly felt insecure about something, why point it out? That's why I struggle to believe size 8 girls feels "soooooo fat", or natural blondes "haaaaaate my hair!" purely because real true life insecurities you don't want to make obvious for the rest of the world to see, and agree.
I've kind of gone away from what the title suggests, so I'll bring it back round and leave it nice 'n' blunt for ya; it just baffles me, how the same person can deliberately make an absolute arse of themselves, struggles to be a normal person in an every day situation. Makes no sense does it?
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